MANTILO

Past, Future glimpse and fade
Through some slight spell,
A gleam from yonder vale, 
Some far blue fell; 
And sympathies, how frail;
In sound and smell!

- Early Spring, Alfred Lord Tennyson

“Nothing but time and a face that you’ll lose”

Not quite at not being sorry or not regretful, but getting there.

YOUR EX-LOVER IS DEAD
Stars, Set Yourself on Fire (2006)

God, that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said, “Yes, I think we’ve met before”
In that instant it started to pour

Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of that time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
You tried to reach deep but you never got in
And now you’re outside me, you see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

Nothing but time and a face that you’ll lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn’t choose
I’ll write you a postcard, I’ll send you the news
From the house down the road from real love

Live through this and you won’t look back
Live through this and you won’t look back
Live through this and you won’t look back

There’s one thing I have to say so I’ll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I’m not sorry I met you
I’m not sorry it’s over
I’m not sorry there’s nothing to save
I’m not sorry there’s nothing

coming up

• Posts on kotatsu construction commentary
• Sapphire’s novel Push synopsis and commentary

Importing old entries

Tumblr does not offer a way of importing blog entries. I will be doing it manually with some of the older posts.

Short fiction: Gold Boy, Emerald Girl

Last night, while avoiding the call of my thesis, I came across Yiyun Li’s short story about loneliness again. Gold Boy, Emerald Girl is a story about three people: a zoology professor, a librarian, and the professor’s son returning from the states. Although everyone can be considered a “catch” - they are all handsome and intelligent - they all suffer similarly from being alone. The story is told simply and yet it really captured my attention.

Professor Dai is a zoology professor in her seventies. Siyu is a librarian of the zoology library at the same university as Professor Dai and is thirty-eight.  Hanfeng made his money in computers and is forty-two years old. Hanfeng just returned from the United States after a twenty-year absence to live with his mother. Professor Dai, who never expressed an interest in matchmaking for Hanfeng, suggests that he meet a colleague of hers, Siyu.

The story reveals the history of family and love behind Siyu and Hanfeng. Siyu’s only parent, her father, has recently remarried. Siyu stays away from him and his new family because she does not want to “interfere.” Even though it is clear that Siyu’s father does not think this way, Siyu has a certain amount of self-loathing that prevents her from agreeing with his vision. The only person she stays in contact with is Professor Dai, even choosing her home and occupation to be near her.

Professor Dai, however, remains almost as cold to Siyu as the day they met. While Siyu has bought a car so Professor Dai can avoid crowds, and also saved Professor Dai when she had a stroke and didn’t answer the phone, Professor Dai doesn’t always invite Siyu to have dinner during holidays and other important days. In this sense, Professor Dai’s affection is that of an aloof cat. There is also a recollection from Hanfeng about a woman from the country who was visiting his mother, but left after a day in tears.

Hanfeng is resolved to live the rest of his with his mother, even though he spent so much time away and trying to live his own life. The problem is that in the US, he spent a lot of time having flings and only leaving them as that. In his last relationship, he became the guy on the other side of that kind of relationship. The man he was dating dumped him and pronounced that he only saw it as a fling. This reversal of roles was strong enough that Henfeng realized at that point in his life, he was looking for love and stability, yet spent so much time having flings was incapable of how to look or maintain such a relationship.

The availability of love existed for all three, but by the time they were willing to grasp it, it was gone. Or it was never a possibility, in the case of Professor Dai. For her, the era and her pride, allowed her to keep a life of solitude. So despite the trappings of a comfortable life - a good job or enough money - the lack of companionship keeps them impoverished.

Professor Dai says during a dinner where all three are together, “When you are young, you marry for passion…When you’re older, you marry for companionship.” She knows that the marriage between Hanfeng and Siyu is not anything remotely about each other, but really for them all. The last line of the story reads, “They were lonely and sad people, all three of them, and they would not make another less sad, but they could with great care, make a workd that would accomodate their loneliness.” I love how Li makes that distinction between sadness and loneliness.

In the Biomedical Library

Someone has fallen asleep in front of the computer and is snoring loudly.

Feelings about the job market and an unstable economy

I can’t really tell whether the job market will be harder or not, since I didn’t bother with it when I graduated with my undergrad degree.

At any rate, as a graduate once more, it’s a new experience to search for jobs. I am more determined about it, which might help buoy my attitude in an uncertain economy.